Zonkey, Nelson, Archer & Kaufman: Legal Matters Down South

Back in April I wrote a post about a new law that had just been adopted in the town of Nelson, GA, requiring that every head of household there own a firearm. Shortly afterwards someone who read that post was so inspired--possibly by my dazzling prose, but more likely by the original news story that I cited--as to write her own blogular web posting about the matter. Either way, the important thing is that “Zonkey”, as this person is known, had nice things to say about my post. I don’t get many compliments, so upon receiving even a little bit of validation, well, if I were a resident of Nelson, GA, I would gleefully shoot my municipally-mandated firearm in the air like this guy:

On account of the Nelson gun law including such broad exemptions as to virtually negate itself, I figured the Nelson council members to be a bunch of idiots. Zonkey, however, suggested that the law itself was a deliberate joke, and that the Nelson lawmakers aren’t so much morons as well-humored pranksters.

A zonkey, by the way, is the rare spawn of a zebra and a donkey, and is one of a number of animal oddities that falls under the broader category of “zebroids.”

Zebras, it seems, are a randy lot, and will mate with all manner of other horsey-type animals--mules, donkeys, David Schwimmer, etc. And along with the funny-looking striped quadrupeds that result when zebras and other equines "make it" come made-up hybrid names to describe them. There's not much standardization in the world of zebroid etymology, though, and each cross-breed may be known by several different names—hence there's a whole herd of words to describe all the different zebroids, including: zedonk, zorse, zebrule, donkra, horbra, hebra, zebrinny, zebrass and zebonkey. Though seeing as my source for all this was Wikipedia, I have to wonder if somebody didn't just lift all those words from fight scenes in the old Batman TV show.

Not to prolong this tangent (which is to say, "I'm about to prolong this tangent"), zonkeys have coincidentally been in the news recently, on account of one was born in Italy a few weeks ago.
 

The new baby zonkey, or let's say, "bazonkey" for short. Or how about "zonkaby"?

In another strange coincidence, one of the only other known zonkeys currently in the world lives about 40 miles from the town of Nelson, at The Chestatee Wildlife Preserve, in Dahlonega, Georgia.

That's right, I wear a hot-pink halter. I've also got striped legs. You wanna keep staring? Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, so, getting back to the topic at hand. After reading Zonkey’s take on the gun ordinance, I must admit that in the past I never gave Georgians much credit, especially where intellect and humor are concerned—after all, my impression of southerners is based entirely on Andy Kaufman’s “I’m From Hollywood” video.



Maybe Zonkey's right—maybe the Nelsonites have a gun fetish and a sense of humor. We may never know for sure, but either way, I don't want to (maybe) underestimate Georgians again, so I'm not ruling out the seemingly absurd possibility that the “Zonkey Thoughts” blog actually might be written by the Chestatee Zonkey. The close proximity to Nelson would certainly explain the interest in that town’s legal antics. And the whole “being a zonkey” thing could certainly result in having a humorous outlook on the world.

Anyway, Zonkey also pointed out that the town of Nelson is being sued over their kooky law. The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence has filed suit against the town on behalf of one of its residents.

The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence in May filed a federal lawsuit against Nelson, a city of roughly 1,300 residents about 50 miles north of Atlanta, saying a recently adopted ordinance requiring heads of household to own a gun and ammunition is unconstitutional.

"We definitely think this law is misguided and unconstitutional in Nelson and anywhere else where it's passed," lawyer Jonathan Lowy of the Washington-based Brady Center said in a recent interview. "But it's also important to send a message to other jurisdictions around the country that might be inclined to pass similar misguided, unconstitutional laws."

The city's response? For that you'll have to ask David Archer, Nelson's insurance company-appointed lawyer.

"I don't think there was ever any intention of the city of Nelson to enforce the ordinance. I think it was a political statement that they made."

See, there's no need to get all litigious--the law wasn't meant to be serious. Point Zonkey!

Speaking of jokes, what's funny here is that Duane Cronic and the rest of the Nelson council thought they could get away with passing a law for purely editorial purposes. Other people, hilariously, didn't see it the same way.


Lamar Kellett, who lives in Nelson and is a member of the Brady Center, spoke against the ordinance at the City Council meeting and said it would have no effect on people like him who didn't own a gun and didn't want one. But several weeks later he went out and spent nearly $700 on a handgun and ammunition, according to the Brady Center's lawsuit.

Kellett said he doesn't qualify for the law's exemptions because he doesn't conscientiously oppose gun ownership — he just doesn't want to own one.

"How does a citizen like myself know that that will be true in the future or even next week?" Kellett said this week of the council's decision not to enforce the law.

Lowy, the Brady Center lawyer, agreed: "There's no guarantee that a law that's on the books will not be enforced," he said.

So, it turns out the unwritten "not meant to be enforced" provision of the law has a loophole. It's a Silliness Smackdown!

Finally, I've just learned that the suit has been settled.

The small city of Nelson, Ga., agreed Thursday to revise an ordinance passed earlier this year that required every household to own a gun.

While Nelson lost the fight, they did manage to cling to their gun law. Rather than see it struck down they agreed to amend the legislation so that it now proclaims itself meaningless. Joke or not, at least the Nelson lawmakers are sticking to their guns. (Pun intended, because I'm also hilarious.)

(c)  Because the United States Constitution protects the rights of Americans to choose not to own or maintain a gun in their homes, subsections (a) and (b) of the Family Protection Ordinance are not enforceable and shall never be enforced and no disability, penalty or adverse consequence shall attach to any violation thereof.

While that pretty much covers it, I would propose one final added provision so that nothing is left unstated.

d) This Ordinance shall be considered a giant slap in the face to the taxpayers of the City of Nelson; WHEREAS, the elected officials of said municipality have been paid to spend their time writing a bogus law that then had to be amended to explicitly affirm its bogusness consequent to a big lawsuit; WHEREAS ALSO, at least the city's lawyer is paid by the insurance company, but FORTHWITH, it is hoped that the city's insurance premiums don't go up on account of this whole debacle.

That should do it.

Thanks, first of all, to Zonkey for bringing this issue back to my attention, and to zorses, horbras, hebras and bazonkabies everywhere just for being themselves.

Georgia on My (And Out of Its) Mind

There's a national "conversation" happening right now, and it's all about GUNS! Popular topics of the gun conversation include "high cap" ammo clips, that wackadoodle guy from the NRA, and even the "Bushmaster," which despite what you'd expect is a powerful semi-automatic rifle and not a professional-grade personal grooming device.

As if all that wasn't enough, the conversation has just become even more interesting wackadoodle! Defending the right to bear arms has long been a concern for many citizens, but thanks to a new law passed by a wee town in Georgia our right to NOT bear arms is under attack. I do declare!

Backers of a newly adopted ordinance requiring gun ownership in a small north Georgia town acknowledge they were largely seeking to make a point about gun rights.

The ordinance in the city of Nelson — population 1,300 — was approved Monday night and goes into effect in 10 days. However, it contains no penalties and exempts anyone who objects, convicted felons and those with certain mental and physical disabilities.

Well oh my gravy! The wanna-be-big-government city council of the tiny town of Nelson, GA, which has a population smaller than that of a New York City rush-hour subway train, has made it mandatory for the head of every household to own a firearm. Here's the text of the law on the town's website. My heavens!

(a) In order to provide for the emergency management of the city, and further in order to provide for and protect the safety, security and general welfare of the city and its inhabitants, every head of household residing in the city limits is required to maintain and firearm, together with ammunition therefor.

Now I'm just a simple boy who doesn't know enough about laws and such to make any kind of judgment about the Constitutionality of dictating such a thing, but I’m pretty sure that mandating gun ownership for the residents of a town with almost no crime—and claiming it necessary for "the general safety of the city"—falls under the legal category of “assinine.” In their ample wisdom, though, the Nelson council members have minimized the likelihood of blowback; usually it takes an effort from the NRA to kneecap a gun law, but in this case the drafters have made the ordnance-themed ordinance self-negating with the inclusion of a second provision:

(b) Exempt from the effect of this section are those heads of households who suffer a physical or mental disability which would prohibit them from using such a firearm.  Further exempt from the effect of this section are those heads of households who are paupers or who conscientiously oppose maintaining firearms as a result of beliefs or religious doctrine, or persons convicted of a felony.

Those exempt from the law include criminals, the insane, the disabled, and—thoughtfully—paupers! According to the internet, this is what a pauper looks like:

By a strange coincidence, that's how I've always pictured everyone who lives in Georgia. But then again, I'm a terrible person.

Anyway, along with those protected classes, included in the exempt category are dwellers of Nelson with conscientious objections. Objections may be based on religious doctrine, or on, well, just beliefs. With a definition that broad, if you live in Nelson and you ever find yourself hauled in front of the city council for failure to pack heat, you will be excused from the requirement just by adhering to any conviction from "I think guns are bad" to "I believe that you can go fuck yourself." Put simply, Nelsonites can ignore the gun requirement altogether as long as they believe that it shouldn't apply to them, much like pedestrians in New York City aren't held accountable to street signs or signal lights simply because they do not believe in traffic. 

My personal belief is that this whole thing is moronic, but even so I have to applaud the Nelson council members for staying committed. Sure, they snuck in a clause that makes their new law moot, but by going through the motions of spelling out all the other grounds for exemption they've done an admirable job of keeping up the pretense that this endeavor is actually serious.

Nelson City Council Member Duane Cronic engages in the serious procedural business of passing a silly law.

Still, by their own admission, the point of passing this law isn’t really to have a law. It’s to make a statement, or a point about our rights, or something. I can’t figure out what comment they intended to make about gun laws, but if any statement comes across through passage of this ordinance, it's "We are a bunch of fucking idiots." ("Idiot" is a legal term for someone in a position of authority who is more concerned with making a point than with making sense.)

I suppose it's possible the council members are actually earnest about believing the requirement will make the town safer, but the crime rate in Nelson is already so low that a single police officer is sufficient to keep the peace:

Police Chief Heath Mitchell noted that the city doesn’t have police officers who work 24 hours a day and is far from the two sheriff’s offices that might send deputies in case of trouble, so response times to emergency calls can be long. Having a gun would help residents take their protection into their own hands, he said.

But the chief — the town’s sole police officer — acknowledged the crime rate is very low. He mostly sees minor property thefts and a burglary every few months. The most recent homicide was more than five years ago, he said.

That being the case, additional firearms are certainly not essential "in order to provide for and protect the safety, security and general welfare of the city and its inhabitants." Bringing a gun into a home that previously didn't have one introduces new risks—the possibility of a family member or visiting toddler accidentally shooting off a toe or a face, for example. That wouldn't be such a bad thing, statistically speaking, if there was also a chance that the gun would be used to fend off an intruder. But since quiet, peaceful Nelson ain't that kind of a place it's a good bet that a household gun mandate is a net negative for the health, safety and general welfare of the town's toes and faces. I do declare!