Thursday, October 17, 2013

Wrestlemania in The House!

When last I posted, the government shutdown was just getting revved up--but now, after only the span of a fortnight bloated by a 3-day holiday weekend, it is rolling to a stop.

Congressional Republicans conceded defeat on Wednesday in their bitter budget fight with President Obama over the new health care law as the House and Senate approved last-minute legislation ending a disruptive 16-day government shutdown and extending federal borrowing power to avert a financial default with potentially worldwide economic repercussions.

I'm kind of bummed that it's ending so soon. I was just getting packed up to head out west to the shuttered Yellowstone National Park to see how long I could dodge the remaining Park Police before getting kicked out--it was going to be a giddy recreation of my childhood in Troy, NY,  where we entertained ourselves by riding our bikes all over the campus of the renowned Emma Willard girls' school, while the "pinkos" (for some reason that's what we called the campus security officers) in their golf carts tried to catch us.

Anyway, the inevitable result of the Congressional melodrama has finally, um, resulted: House leaders, including Speaker John Boehner, along with a modest number of fellow Republicans (87 in total, which is about the number of people serviced in a span of 15 minutes by any given Starbucks), conceded and approved a bill to reopen the government and avoid pulling an economic Thelma and Louise.

Not surprisingly, Boehner made an upbeat, folksy statement to save face while finally abandoning the cynical and myopic obstructionism that his party has been engaged in for the last 2 weeks:

“We fought the good fight,” said Speaker John A. Boehner, who has struggled to control conservative faction in the House, in an interview with a Cincinnati radio station. “We just didn’t win.” 

Good fight? You lost the good fight in September. This was a baaaaad fight. This was you losing the fight, and then clobbering your victorious opponent with a folding chair as soon as he left the ring. This could only be considered a good fight if your entire political ethos was based on professional wrestling.

Of course, Boehner didn't really need to save face--he already did that simply by admitting defeat without crying.

Anyway, now that this is all behind us, we can finally get back to some serious political issues, like exposing our president for the Kenyan Islamist pinko that he is.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Observing National "Shut-Down Day"!

I went onto The Google this morning to, I don’t remember, look up photos of 18th Century surgical mishaps or something, and here’s what I saw:

How exciting, I thought, it must be the birthday of Isaak Groebli, inventor of the “Schiffli” embroidery machine, which revolutionized the embroidered patch-making industry. (Up until that point, embroiderers had to pains-takingly hand-stitch every patch, whereas after that point, embroiderers had to pains-takingly find another line of work.)

Turns out, though, that I was all wrong and whatnot:

After doing a "mouse-over" (I have a pet mouse who reviews my work, helps with IT issues, etc.) I discovered that the banner-doodle on The Google actually commemorates the 123rd anniversary of Yellowstone National Park. And to celebrate that anniversary the government is kicking everyone out.

The government shut down means Yosemite and other national parks will be closed until a new budget is passed. Tourists who traveled Yosemite National Park from all over the world are wondering what will happen to their vacation. Many have already paid for tours that are cancelled since these gates will let very few people through, until the government starts up again.

As you probably already know, it is “end-times” for the American experiment. We’re on the brink of de facto annexation by Canada on account of we might actually try to attend to the health and well-being of our citizens, which is a wholly un-American thing to do. We are primarily a Christian nation, not a Socialist one, and if there’s one thing Christians won’t stand for it’s helping the poor and the sick. Here in The America, we believe in more of a Caste system: nothing is handed to you—you start at whatever shitty level you were born into, and you strive to improve yourself, so that things will become better for you. Eventually. Like maybe in the next life.

In the meantime, you have inside of 2 days to burn your marshmallows over a campfire and scarf them down before evacuating the national socialist park system via the communist, tax-payer-built roadways. But don't think about that too much because before you know it you'll be back on your own God-given property, where you won't have to concern yourself with other people and their sorry state of health--I mean, besides that one trespasser you shot on your lawn who was trespassing on your God-given property and trying to sell you Girl Scout Cookies or whatnot.

These are your patches now. They're on your God-given property!

"If there's a government shutdown, though, who's going to keep me out of the National Parks?", you might be wondering. Well:

All non-essential workers in Yosemite will be furloughed until a new budget is passed in Washington, D.C. Law enforcement and utility crews will still be on-the-clock. Campsites, and places like the Wawona Hotel will also shut down.

So, law enforcement will still be on the job, but they might have their hands full rounding up this guy:

When National Park Police or the Federal Forestry Patrol or whoever sets out to enforce the shutdown, I just hope they bring along a camera crew so that if there's a Winnebago chase, or a naked, drunk vacationer who won't come out of his tent they'll be able to preserve it for posterity in the woodsiest ever episode of COPS.

Now, seeing as this is The America and all, it's up to you to be sure the government (or lack thereof) doesn't stand in your way. Who is Uncle Sam to say to Yosemite Sam, "Get out of the park, and Christ already with those guns, will you just put them away?" Indeed, you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go on your God-given vacation all the same. With that in mind, I found a loop-hole (but don't say that I helped you--pretend you figured it out for yourself, you damn welfare case):

Signs will soon be posted around the Yosemite Valley to warn visitors they have less than two days to leave. The only people who will be let into the park will be those driving through to another destination.

You got that? You can still get into Yosemite National Park as long as you tell them you're just "passing through." Just don't give yourself away by asking to buy any patches.